Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Some days are harder than others

Session is in full force- and that should limit my time on Facebook- but the hours of committee meetings mean more time than usual on Facebook some days. 

Facebook is literally like a field filled w/ land mines for me.  I've gone to extreme lengths to "filter" those who I know are trying to get pregnant- or are pregnant so I won't have an unexpected land mine blow up in my face.  But some days, like today, one slips in and when it does the explosion wreaks havoc on me.  Often is causes me to cry- sometimes it causes me unfriend the "offender".  I admit- its hard being the person who can't be happy with other people's pregnancies and children.  I feel scummy and it has cost me more than one friend.  But are those friends needed if they can't understand the pain their happiness causes me?

Today's land mine sent me to my keyboard for posting- but as I started typing I realized that I really needed to write less about my pain and more about my prayer life.  The last couple of weeks I have seen or heard numerous posts, sermons, etc about believing in your prayers and praying bold prayers.  So I wonder, all the prayers I have said for you - all the prayers I have said hoping for you to be- did I really believe it would happen? That first month of trying to have you? All the times I would sit and cry and pray that I would be pregnant- did I really believe that God would answer my prayers?  Honestly, I don't think I did.  I think the sins of my past, even though I have verbally asked for forgiveness, hold me back from believing.  That even though I know nothing I do, have done or will do will ever make me deserving of God's love and forgiveness but he gives it anyway, hasn't made its way from my head to heart.  So I hope that as we approach our first IVF cycle- in what looks like to be in the middle of a special session- that I do believe God will answer my prayers for you.  Because even though I don't know you, I love you, have plans for you and want your life to be amazing.  In order for that to happen I have to have an unyielding faith that God will hear and answer my prayers. 

With much love,


1 comment:

  1. This is my favorite entry (so far). I wish I had known...not to be nosy, but, just to give you a hug or a quiet space to relax and put your feet up during Session.