Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Some days are harder than others

Session is in full force- and that should limit my time on Facebook- but the hours of committee meetings mean more time than usual on Facebook some days. 

Facebook is literally like a field filled w/ land mines for me.  I've gone to extreme lengths to "filter" those who I know are trying to get pregnant- or are pregnant so I won't have an unexpected land mine blow up in my face.  But some days, like today, one slips in and when it does the explosion wreaks havoc on me.  Often is causes me to cry- sometimes it causes me unfriend the "offender".  I admit- its hard being the person who can't be happy with other people's pregnancies and children.  I feel scummy and it has cost me more than one friend.  But are those friends needed if they can't understand the pain their happiness causes me?

Today's land mine sent me to my keyboard for posting- but as I started typing I realized that I really needed to write less about my pain and more about my prayer life.  The last couple of weeks I have seen or heard numerous posts, sermons, etc about believing in your prayers and praying bold prayers.  So I wonder, all the prayers I have said for you - all the prayers I have said hoping for you to be- did I really believe it would happen? That first month of trying to have you? All the times I would sit and cry and pray that I would be pregnant- did I really believe that God would answer my prayers?  Honestly, I don't think I did.  I think the sins of my past, even though I have verbally asked for forgiveness, hold me back from believing.  That even though I know nothing I do, have done or will do will ever make me deserving of God's love and forgiveness but he gives it anyway, hasn't made its way from my head to heart.  So I hope that as we approach our first IVF cycle- in what looks like to be in the middle of a special session- that I do believe God will answer my prayers for you.  Because even though I don't know you, I love you, have plans for you and want your life to be amazing.  In order for that to happen I have to have an unyielding faith that God will hear and answer my prayers. 

With much love,


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

We are scheduled....

Hi Little Spratt-

The possibility of you seems more real now.  We are "scheduled" now to begin the IVF process.  I put process because apparently this is quite a process.  I start back on birth control (isn't that the definition of irony?) at the end of this month and then we get to almost make it through session before having to think anymore about it (HA HA HA- you know I will be thinking about it almost every minute of every day).  The last week of Session (potentially the most stressful) we get to make our first "payment" on you- to Walgreens.  This little $2000+ (estimates go up to $5k) will cover ALLLL the medication I will be taking during the duration of the IVF cycle. 

I joke a lot about costs- but in reality we are very lucky.  We have enough money in savings, thanks to your Great Grandparents, that we can do one cycle without going into debt up to our eyeballs. After that- we will figure out something.

This is where we will go to actually "get" pregnant.  Shands- at the University of Florida.  What you don't know is this means you have no choice on where you go to school-  this is it.  UF.  You are a Gator.  Even before you were thought about you were a Gator though. 

See your Dad and I met in college, at THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA- and after a brief and disastrous relationship we parted ways and both ended up in Tallahassee.  Now, please don't tell him this, but I pretty much followed him there.  Yes, I realize that seems somewhat pyscho - but it wasn't.  I gave him his space, we were friends, he dated and married my friend, we weren't friends, he got divorced, we were friends, we dated and I finally convinced him- nearly 10 years after our first kiss- to marry me. 

Your Dad and I, as your Aunt Julie LOVES to say, are perfect on paper together.  On paper, God clearly made us for each other.  There is no one in this world that gets me like he does and more importantly, can put up with me.  For one reason, I have SICK humor-  for example.  This is the man is going to knock me up or get me preggers, or impregnate me.  However you want to say it. 

Dr. R. Stan Williams

I find that to over-the-top funny-  he does not.  It hurts his feelings I suspect.  But I believe you have to add levity to all situations- and this is a hell of a situation. 

Long story short-  we are scheduled.  The cocktail of medications will be ordered in less than 60 days and it will all begin. 

With much love- and humor-

Your Mom 

P.S.  I just reread this entry and realized that I was all over the board.  I guess that is what happens when you start and stop writing 5 times in one day. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


Hard to believe that we are starting a new year already.  Its hard to believe that you aren't here yet too.  Christmas lost some of its joy this year- as Facebook was constantly filled with pictures of babies and children and pregnancies that seemed so easy. 

This week we make another trip to Shands in Gainesville.  Its not a hard one- just consent forms and a psych evaluation.  Also the final the results from the last set of blood work.  If all goes well we will get final approval to start the IVF process.  However we are waiting till after this year's legislative session so my stress levels are not through the roof.  Hopefully this gives me some time to lose some weight and get my back ready for a pregnancy.  Its out again and I can't imagine carrying you- or twins with it this way. 

The end of the year is always exciting for me- and this year its not.  I've been out of the office for 2 weeks and it was incredibly hard to make myself go this morning after my doctor appointment.  Not being pregnant has taken the joy out of so many things for me....and I'm worried that in tomorrow's psych appointment I will not "pass" because of this borderline depression I'm in.  But I believe that God's will will carry me through all of this and what is meant to be will be. 

With tears in my eyes,

Your hopeful mother