Monday, March 26, 2012

The emotions that plague me

It is hard for me to focus on anything these days.  Part of me thinks that is typical post-session issues, part of me thinks its because I am so underwhelmed in my job and the biggest part of me knows its because we are in the beginning of the "last hoorah". 

After the initial shock of giving myself the Lupron shots- it has been kind of a let down.  At this point I am not being monitored-no one even checked in with me to make sure my meds had arrived and I started my shots- or if I was having any issues with the shots.  Yet starting next week I will be monitored almost constantly and will have major disruptions to my schedule.  The biggest issue with going to Gainesville for our treatment is the drive.  2.5 hrs- and we will never know more than 12 hours ahead of time if we need to head back. 

So this morning when a particularly sappy brother/sister commercial came on- and I cried.  And when I woke up this morning I had an awful headache I thought- typical with this protocol.  But are they related to the hormone shots or just my true emotions coming forth? 

I feel like I should be excited that we are finally doing this.  But I am not.  I am terrified it won't work.  I am terrified that we will use all of our resources and have nothing.  I am sad that I am sad and I am afraid to be excited and jinx ourselves.  I want to look forward to a positive pregnancy test- but then worry that I won't even be excited about that because I will then move on to worrying about a miscarriage.  I am plagued by sadness while trying to put on a good front-  laugh at myself and act like none of this is a big deal.  I am doing yoga- taking "calming baths", massage, acupuncture- the works. Yet I am still overwhelming sad and pessimistic. 

So future child of mine-  know that even when things look good on the outside- they are often tumultuous on the inside.  When someone seems disconnected- it usually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.  When someone seems to have a perfect life and just laughs at problems that they face-  know that when they are alone they probably are letting loose of the emotions that plaque them. 

With much love,


Friday, March 23, 2012

May the odds ever be in your favor....

The whole point of an IVF cycle is to increase your odds of achieving pregnancy.  Because I am under 35, relatively healthy and no known fertility issues, our odds are pretty good.  But that doesn't mean much really in the grand scheme of things. 

I started with my Lupron shots on Wednesday.  I have to admit I really almost tried to terrify myself and psych myself out before I started them.  I am not afraid of needles, I have given more shots than I can count to animals (and your Aunt Julie)- but the first time I had to actually stick myself it was A LOT harder than I ever thought possible.   But in the really wasn't that bad.

My first dose of Lupron- ready for business
The first day I wanted your Dad to be with me.  He was in the middle of finishing the fascia and soffits on the house (rotted thanks to shoddy builders) and had to come clean up-  he was not exactly amused.  But he came in.  I got everything ready....cleaned my belly with the alcohol pad and stuck myself.  And then...couldn't get my fingers to push the plunger in.  I freaked for a moment and then shoved a little harder than needed.  But the first dose of Lupron was administered. 

Lupron "suppresses" my ovaries and puts me into a mini menopause.  It is also used for men who have prostate cancer and children who achieve puberty too early. 

Besides Lupron I am on steroids (Dexamethasone) and baby aspirin- both of which are supposed to help make my body not reject embryos when transferred.  So- not only will I be starving thanks to the roids- but I might experience hot flashes and asthma attacks too!  The things women will do for their children..... 

So far Lupron hasn't been that bad (although I am only on day 3).  The shot on the second day was way easy to administer and the only side effect I've noticed so far is that the injection site gets a little irritated and itchy for about an hour afterwards- so really not that bad. 

Your Dad is taking an antibiotic and doing acupuncture weekly.  I am doing acupuncture bi-weekly and trying to do yoga at least once a day and long walks.  Between those activities and this blog and my awesome friend Molly I am so far able to control my emotions. 

All in all dear child- I can't complain about anything yet.  Just praying I can be patient and calm through all of this. 

This is what $3000 worth of drugs looks like

The monster needle your Dad gets to use to inject me

My favorite-  progesterone- in olive oil. 

I didn't want all my accouterments making the house look icky.  I put them in pretty boxes

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


It is only a day away (your Mother LOVES to sing)- but it seems like a whole lifetime away.  In a way it is. 

I'm working from home today waiting on UPS to deliver the $2799 worth of medicines that will put me into menopause, bring me out of menopause, cause me to super ovulate, kill bacteria, calm me (valium- really looking forward to that one), make my uterus into a warm and cozy home to the embryos that will be transferred and other things that I am sure I am forgetting right now.  I am waiting for these meds today because tomorrow is when I will start the meds that in less than a month will hopefully bring me you. 

Let me tell you- I am terrified.  Yep.  Scared. It seems like that after nearly two years of trying to have you this month would not seem like a lifetime in itself.  But tomorrow we up the stakes.  Tomorrow I start the counting game and waiting game ALL over again.  But this time everything is riding on this.