Monday, March 26, 2012

The emotions that plague me

It is hard for me to focus on anything these days.  Part of me thinks that is typical post-session issues, part of me thinks its because I am so underwhelmed in my job and the biggest part of me knows its because we are in the beginning of the "last hoorah". 

After the initial shock of giving myself the Lupron shots- it has been kind of a let down.  At this point I am not being monitored-no one even checked in with me to make sure my meds had arrived and I started my shots- or if I was having any issues with the shots.  Yet starting next week I will be monitored almost constantly and will have major disruptions to my schedule.  The biggest issue with going to Gainesville for our treatment is the drive.  2.5 hrs- and we will never know more than 12 hours ahead of time if we need to head back. 

So this morning when a particularly sappy brother/sister commercial came on- and I cried.  And when I woke up this morning I had an awful headache I thought- typical with this protocol.  But are they related to the hormone shots or just my true emotions coming forth? 

I feel like I should be excited that we are finally doing this.  But I am not.  I am terrified it won't work.  I am terrified that we will use all of our resources and have nothing.  I am sad that I am sad and I am afraid to be excited and jinx ourselves.  I want to look forward to a positive pregnancy test- but then worry that I won't even be excited about that because I will then move on to worrying about a miscarriage.  I am plagued by sadness while trying to put on a good front-  laugh at myself and act like none of this is a big deal.  I am doing yoga- taking "calming baths", massage, acupuncture- the works. Yet I am still overwhelming sad and pessimistic. 

So future child of mine-  know that even when things look good on the outside- they are often tumultuous on the inside.  When someone seems disconnected- it usually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.  When someone seems to have a perfect life and just laughs at problems that they face-  know that when they are alone they probably are letting loose of the emotions that plaque them. 

With much love,


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