Session is in full force- and that should limit my time on Facebook- but the hours of committee meetings mean more time than usual on Facebook some days.
Facebook is literally like a field filled w/ land mines for me. I've gone to extreme lengths to "filter" those who I know are trying to get pregnant- or are pregnant so I won't have an unexpected land mine blow up in my face. But some days, like today, one slips in and when it does the explosion wreaks havoc on me. Often is causes me to cry- sometimes it causes me unfriend the "offender". I admit- its hard being the person who can't be happy with other people's pregnancies and children. I feel scummy and it has cost me more than one friend. But are those friends needed if they can't understand the pain their happiness causes me?
Today's land mine sent me to my keyboard for posting- but as I started typing I realized that I really needed to write less about my pain and more about my prayer life. The last couple of weeks I have seen or heard numerous posts, sermons, etc about believing in your prayers and praying bold prayers. So I wonder, all the prayers I have said for you - all the prayers I have said hoping for you to be- did I really believe it would happen? That first month of trying to have you? All the times I would sit and cry and pray that I would be pregnant- did I really believe that God would answer my prayers? Honestly, I don't think I did. I think the sins of my past, even though I have verbally asked for forgiveness, hold me back from believing. That even though I know nothing I do, have done or will do will ever make me deserving of God's love and forgiveness but he gives it anyway, hasn't made its way from my head to heart. So I hope that as we approach our first IVF cycle- in what looks like to be in the middle of a special session- that I do believe God will answer my prayers for you. Because even though I don't know you, I love you, have plans for you and want your life to be amazing. In order for that to happen I have to have an unyielding faith that God will hear and answer my prayers.
With much love,
Mom
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
We are scheduled....
Hi Little Spratt-
The possibility of you seems more real now. We are "scheduled" now to begin the IVF process. I put process because apparently this is quite a process. I start back on birth control (isn't that the definition of irony?) at the end of this month and then we get to almost make it through session before having to think anymore about it (HA HA HA- you know I will be thinking about it almost every minute of every day). The last week of Session (potentially the most stressful) we get to make our first "payment" on you- to Walgreens. This little $2000+ (estimates go up to $5k) will cover ALLLL the medication I will be taking during the duration of the IVF cycle.
I joke a lot about costs- but in reality we are very lucky. We have enough money in savings, thanks to your Great Grandparents, that we can do one cycle without going into debt up to our eyeballs. After that- we will figure out something.
This is where we will go to actually "get" pregnant. Shands- at the University of Florida. What you don't know is this means you have no choice on where you go to school- this is it. UF. You are a Gator. Even before you were thought about you were a Gator though.
See your Dad and I met in college, at THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA- and after a brief and disastrous relationship we parted ways and both ended up in Tallahassee. Now, please don't tell him this, but I pretty much followed him there. Yes, I realize that seems somewhat pyscho - but it wasn't. I gave him his space, we were friends, he dated and married my friend, we weren't friends, he got divorced, we were friends, we dated and I finally convinced him- nearly 10 years after our first kiss- to marry me.
Your Dad and I, as your Aunt Julie LOVES to say, are perfect on paper together. On paper, God clearly made us for each other. There is no one in this world that gets me like he does and more importantly, can put up with me. For one reason, I have SICK humor- for example. This is the man is going to knock me up or get me preggers, or impregnate me. However you want to say it.
I find that to over-the-top funny- he does not. It hurts his feelings I suspect. But I believe you have to add levity to all situations- and this is a hell of a situation.
Long story short- we are scheduled. The cocktail of medications will be ordered in less than 60 days and it will all begin.
With much love- and humor-
Your Mom
P.S. I just reread this entry and realized that I was all over the board. I guess that is what happens when you start and stop writing 5 times in one day.
The possibility of you seems more real now. We are "scheduled" now to begin the IVF process. I put process because apparently this is quite a process. I start back on birth control (isn't that the definition of irony?) at the end of this month and then we get to almost make it through session before having to think anymore about it (HA HA HA- you know I will be thinking about it almost every minute of every day). The last week of Session (potentially the most stressful) we get to make our first "payment" on you- to Walgreens. This little $2000+ (estimates go up to $5k) will cover ALLLL the medication I will be taking during the duration of the IVF cycle.
I joke a lot about costs- but in reality we are very lucky. We have enough money in savings, thanks to your Great Grandparents, that we can do one cycle without going into debt up to our eyeballs. After that- we will figure out something.
See your Dad and I met in college, at THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA- and after a brief and disastrous relationship we parted ways and both ended up in Tallahassee. Now, please don't tell him this, but I pretty much followed him there. Yes, I realize that seems somewhat pyscho - but it wasn't. I gave him his space, we were friends, he dated and married my friend, we weren't friends, he got divorced, we were friends, we dated and I finally convinced him- nearly 10 years after our first kiss- to marry me.
Your Dad and I, as your Aunt Julie LOVES to say, are perfect on paper together. On paper, God clearly made us for each other. There is no one in this world that gets me like he does and more importantly, can put up with me. For one reason, I have SICK humor- for example. This is the man is going to knock me up or get me preggers, or impregnate me. However you want to say it.
 |
| Dr. R. Stan Williams |
I find that to over-the-top funny- he does not. It hurts his feelings I suspect. But I believe you have to add levity to all situations- and this is a hell of a situation.
Long story short- we are scheduled. The cocktail of medications will be ordered in less than 60 days and it will all begin.
With much love- and humor-
Your Mom
P.S. I just reread this entry and realized that I was all over the board. I guess that is what happens when you start and stop writing 5 times in one day.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
2012
Hard to believe that we are starting a new year already. Its hard to believe that you aren't here yet too. Christmas lost some of its joy this year- as Facebook was constantly filled with pictures of babies and children and pregnancies that seemed so easy.
This week we make another trip to Shands in Gainesville. Its not a hard one- just consent forms and a psych evaluation. Also the final the results from the last set of blood work. If all goes well we will get final approval to start the IVF process. However we are waiting till after this year's legislative session so my stress levels are not through the roof. Hopefully this gives me some time to lose some weight and get my back ready for a pregnancy. Its out again and I can't imagine carrying you- or twins with it this way.
The end of the year is always exciting for me- and this year its not. I've been out of the office for 2 weeks and it was incredibly hard to make myself go this morning after my doctor appointment. Not being pregnant has taken the joy out of so many things for me....and I'm worried that in tomorrow's psych appointment I will not "pass" because of this borderline depression I'm in. But I believe that God's will will carry me through all of this and what is meant to be will be.
With tears in my eyes,
Your hopeful mother
This week we make another trip to Shands in Gainesville. Its not a hard one- just consent forms and a psych evaluation. Also the final the results from the last set of blood work. If all goes well we will get final approval to start the IVF process. However we are waiting till after this year's legislative session so my stress levels are not through the roof. Hopefully this gives me some time to lose some weight and get my back ready for a pregnancy. Its out again and I can't imagine carrying you- or twins with it this way.
The end of the year is always exciting for me- and this year its not. I've been out of the office for 2 weeks and it was incredibly hard to make myself go this morning after my doctor appointment. Not being pregnant has taken the joy out of so many things for me....and I'm worried that in tomorrow's psych appointment I will not "pass" because of this borderline depression I'm in. But I believe that God's will will carry me through all of this and what is meant to be will be.
With tears in my eyes,
Your hopeful mother
Monday, December 5, 2011
Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test (CCCT)
WOW!!! Big words and yet another test that must be done before we can proceed with IVF. Actually, its the last test that needs to be done before we get started (with the exception of our psych evaluation- uh oh). This test is going to measure your Mom's ability to produce eggs. Up until this point most of the testing and numbers have depended on your Dad- and I've pretty much been ignored. Now its my turn. Today I head to Shands (sans Dad since he has a fertilizer bill up that he needs to testify on) for blood work and other work to measure hormone levels. Tomorrow I will start some mild hormones and stay on those for 5 days. Then next week head back to Shands to see if my levels are acceptable. No one seems to think it will be an issue- but I am terrified that it will be another problem that we have to deal with. If my levels aren't correct- we will not be able to proceed with IVF and will be left with very few options to have you. So I am praying and praying and praying that my hormones are normal. Off to couple of meetings and then making that long drive to Shands for the CCCT.
Love,
Mom
Love,
Mom
Monday, November 28, 2011
Stockings hung by the chimney with care...
I admit, it was hard for me to get motivated to decorate for Christmas this year- my heart really wasn't in it. I have the best memories from my childhood of Christmas- at my Granny and Papa's in Tennessee and all the times I got to help my Mom decorate. I always thought one day I would establish those traditions with my own children and yesterday it struck me that it may not be an option.
Last year was your Dad and my first Christmas as an old married couple. As I put each ornament on the tree and watched him hang the lights I just knew that this year you would be with us. If not a wee little baby in a bassinet - then at least hanging around my middle making my back ache. This year, as I hung the stockings I was painfully aware that the only one we added was for Cracker. Now, while Cracker is a pretty awesome cat- he isn't a baby. So we still have an empty stocking hanger.
Any day now I will start my "clomid challenge test"- which somehow is supposed to measure my ability to produce eggs which will hopefully become embryos and eventually...you. So next year, the days immediately following Thanksgiving (a family tradition) I hope that I am able to put an extra stocking (or 2) by the chimney with care.
Love,
Mom
Last year was your Dad and my first Christmas as an old married couple. As I put each ornament on the tree and watched him hang the lights I just knew that this year you would be with us. If not a wee little baby in a bassinet - then at least hanging around my middle making my back ache. This year, as I hung the stockings I was painfully aware that the only one we added was for Cracker. Now, while Cracker is a pretty awesome cat- he isn't a baby. So we still have an empty stocking hanger.
Any day now I will start my "clomid challenge test"- which somehow is supposed to measure my ability to produce eggs which will hopefully become embryos and eventually...you. So next year, the days immediately following Thanksgiving (a family tradition) I hope that I am able to put an extra stocking (or 2) by the chimney with care.
Love,
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I have to do what?!?!?!?
Dear Child that I do not yet know:
While many will consider this blog, that I hope you one day read, to be a very sentimental thing, I am not a mushy gushy kinda lady or writer. Once you grow out of a teenage phase that I am already dreading, you will see I am mostly a laugh at myself, because everyone else already is kinda woman. While I am emotional- I am not one to wax poetically. So...here goes nothing.
On Monday, your Dad and I found out that the only way we will get to meet you is through IVF. or Invitrofertilization. I think I spelled that right? I'm an awful speller. Let me tell you that as prepared as I was for the news it still has knocked me off my axis a little. While my life, and your Dad's, has been far from perfect- let's go ahead and fess up that most everything has come fairly easy to us- with the exception of us (but that's a WHOLE nother blog and book). So to learn that the only way we will have a child with our genetics is through a very impersonal and expensive medical procedure just hasn't set well with us. But let me give your Dad big props....without even batting an eyelid he looked at me and Dr. Williams and said, "ok- we will do whatever we have to do". I LOVE THAT MAN!!!!
By the time you are old enough to read this you will know that at this point we have been married for just over a year and have been trying to have you for just as long. All our friends and family kept saying "relax, it will happen"- but all along I just had a feeling that we might need help- not this kind of help, but some help. So after year- and some tests off we go to Shands at the University of Florida to have Baby Spratt.
I think its either irony or appropriate that we are going to Shands. We met in Gainesville, first dated in Gainesville and are both UF grads... I am looking forward to the next time the alumni association calls and asks for a donation- I am going to tell them exactly where it went :-)
I have a feeling we are starting on a journey that will be less than pleasant- but for an amazing outcome and that's why I journaling it here. I'm not ready to share my feelings with the world- but I need to share them. I hope one day, when you are (or both of you- I'm a couponer so I am ALL for BOGO) reading this you know that even before we knew you could be that we loved you, and fought very hard to have you.
With much love,
Mom
While many will consider this blog, that I hope you one day read, to be a very sentimental thing, I am not a mushy gushy kinda lady or writer. Once you grow out of a teenage phase that I am already dreading, you will see I am mostly a laugh at myself, because everyone else already is kinda woman. While I am emotional- I am not one to wax poetically. So...here goes nothing.
On Monday, your Dad and I found out that the only way we will get to meet you is through IVF. or Invitrofertilization. I think I spelled that right? I'm an awful speller. Let me tell you that as prepared as I was for the news it still has knocked me off my axis a little. While my life, and your Dad's, has been far from perfect- let's go ahead and fess up that most everything has come fairly easy to us- with the exception of us (but that's a WHOLE nother blog and book). So to learn that the only way we will have a child with our genetics is through a very impersonal and expensive medical procedure just hasn't set well with us. But let me give your Dad big props....without even batting an eyelid he looked at me and Dr. Williams and said, "ok- we will do whatever we have to do". I LOVE THAT MAN!!!!
By the time you are old enough to read this you will know that at this point we have been married for just over a year and have been trying to have you for just as long. All our friends and family kept saying "relax, it will happen"- but all along I just had a feeling that we might need help- not this kind of help, but some help. So after year- and some tests off we go to Shands at the University of Florida to have Baby Spratt.
I think its either irony or appropriate that we are going to Shands. We met in Gainesville, first dated in Gainesville and are both UF grads... I am looking forward to the next time the alumni association calls and asks for a donation- I am going to tell them exactly where it went :-)
I have a feeling we are starting on a journey that will be less than pleasant- but for an amazing outcome and that's why I journaling it here. I'm not ready to share my feelings with the world- but I need to share them. I hope one day, when you are (or both of you- I'm a couponer so I am ALL for BOGO) reading this you know that even before we knew you could be that we loved you, and fought very hard to have you.
With much love,
Mom
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