May the odds ever be in your favor....

The whole point of an IVF cycle is to increase your odds of achieving pregnancy.  Because I am under 35, relatively healthy and no known fertility issues, our odds are pretty good.  But that doesn't mean much really in the grand scheme of things. 

I started with my Lupron shots on Wednesday.  I have to admit I really almost tried to terrify myself and psych myself out before I started them.  I am not afraid of needles, I have given more shots than I can count to animals (and your Aunt Julie)- but the first time I had to actually stick myself it was A LOT harder than I ever thought possible.   But in the end....it really wasn't that bad.

My first dose of Lupron- ready for business

The first day I wanted your Dad to be with me.  He was in the middle of finishing the fascia and soffits on the house (rotted thanks to shoddy builders) and had to come clean up-  he was not exactly amused.  But he came in.  I got everything ready....cleaned my belly with the alcohol pad and stuck myself.  And then...couldn't get my fingers to push the plunger in.  I freaked for a moment and then shoved a little harder than needed.  But the first dose of Lupron was administered. 

Lupron "suppresses" my ovaries and puts me into a mini menopause.  It is also used for men who have prostate cancer and children who achieve puberty too early. 

Besides Lupron I am on steroids (Dexamethasone) and baby aspirin- both of which are supposed to help make my body not reject embryos when transferred.  So- not only will I be starving thanks to the roids- but I might experience hot flashes and asthma attacks too!  The things women will do for their children..... 

So far Lupron hasn't been that bad (although I am only on day 3).  The shot on the second day was way easy to administer and the only side effect I've noticed so far is that the injection site gets a little irritated and itchy for about an hour afterwards- so really not that bad. 

Your Dad is taking an antibiotic and doing acupuncture weekly.  I am doing acupuncture bi-weekly and trying to do yoga at least once a day and long walks.  Between those activities and this blog and my awesome friend Molly I am so far able to control my emotions. 

All in all dear child- I can't complain about anything yet.  Just praying I can be patient and calm through all of this. 

This is what $3000 worth of drugs looks like

The monster needle your Dad gets to use to inject me

My favorite-  progesterone- in olive oil. 

I didn't want all my accouterments making the house look icky.  I put them in pretty boxes

Tomorrow

It is only a day away (your Mother LOVES to sing)- but it seems like a whole lifetime away.  In a way it is. 

I'm working from home today waiting on UPS to deliver the $2799 worth of medicines that will put me into menopause, bring me out of menopause, cause me to super ovulate, kill bacteria, calm me (valium- really looking forward to that one), make my uterus into a warm and cozy home to the embryos that will be transferred and other things that I am sure I am forgetting right now.  I am waiting for these meds today because tomorrow is when I will start the meds that in less than a month will hopefully bring me you. 

Let me tell you- I am terrified.  Yep.  Scared. It seems like that after nearly two years of trying to have you this month would not seem like a lifetime in itself.  But tomorrow we up the stakes.  Tomorrow I start the counting game and waiting game ALL over again.  But this time everything is riding on this. 

Let go and let God

That sounds so simple.  Let go and let God.  Trust in God and lean not on your own understanding.  Yet God gave us minds to question and think and evaluate everything.  He teaches us to do those things so we are not fooled.  So it is so frustrating to me to just "trust God".  What does that mean? Does it mean we shouldn't try to have you with medical assistance? Does it mean we should trust him to make sure the medical assistance works or what? Does it mean I should prepare for failure?  Its frustrating and causes me many tears.

What may not matter in the future, may have little or no effect on history, or may cause your sibling's not to be born,  is the current Republican candidates for President.  The two "final" candidates are so different from each other its hard to believe that they are even still both considered options.  As a Republican I am moderate at best- and I think that is why Mitt Romney appeals to me.  He represents common sense in my mind.  He is not so far in either direction- yet still is considered a Republican.  I voted for him in the primary and if he makes it to the end I will campaign for him as much as I can. 

The other candidate is Rick Santorum.  This man is as far right as a person can be I think.  There are so many political issues I disagree with him on that listing them would take far too much time.  But the one that breaks my heart the most, the one that will force me to vote for Obama if he becomes our candidate is infertility treatments.  In Rick's world trust in the Lord means no IVF.  With no IVF there will be no Baby Spratt and with no Baby Spratt I can't imagine our future.  In Rick's world birth control is evil.  Yet in Rick's world extraordinary measures have been taken to save his children's lives.  I'm not sure where you draw the line with "trust in God"- but I do believe that because God gave us brains, because he gave us Doctors and because he gave us medical miracles he doesn't mind using those on Earth to help him achieve his plan. 

So Baby Spratt-  always trust in the Lord, know that you will often not understand his plans, but that in no way means you can't be proactive in your life.  God will provide- and sometimes he uses earthly hands to do so. 

I love you,

Mom 

Some days are harder than others

Session is in full force- and that should limit my time on Facebook- but the hours of committee meetings mean more time than usual on Facebook some days. 

Facebook is literally like a field filled w/ land mines for me.  I've gone to extreme lengths to "filter" those who I know are trying to get pregnant- or are pregnant so I won't have an unexpected land mine blow up in my face.  But some days, like today, one slips in and when it does the explosion wreaks havoc on me.  Often is causes me to cry- sometimes it causes me unfriend the "offender".  I admit- its hard being the person who can't be happy with other people's pregnancies and children.  I feel scummy and it has cost me more than one friend.  But are those friends needed if they can't understand the pain their happiness causes me?

Today's land mine sent me to my keyboard for posting- but as I started typing I realized that I really needed to write less about my pain and more about my prayer life.  The last couple of weeks I have seen or heard numerous posts, sermons, etc about believing in your prayers and praying bold prayers.  So I wonder, all the prayers I have said for you - all the prayers I have said hoping for you to be- did I really believe it would happen? That first month of trying to have you? All the times I would sit and cry and pray that I would be pregnant- did I really believe that God would answer my prayers?  Honestly, I don't think I did.  I think the sins of my past, even though I have verbally asked for forgiveness, hold me back from believing.  That even though I know nothing I do, have done or will do will ever make me deserving of God's love and forgiveness but he gives it anyway, hasn't made its way from my head to heart.  So I hope that as we approach our first IVF cycle- in what looks like to be in the middle of a special session- that I do believe God will answer my prayers for you.  Because even though I don't know you, I love you, have plans for you and want your life to be amazing.  In order for that to happen I have to have an unyielding faith that God will hear and answer my prayers. 

With much love,

Mom 

We are scheduled....

Hi Little Spratt-

The possibility of you seems more real now.  We are "scheduled" now to begin the IVF process.  I put process because apparently this is quite a process.  I start back on birth control (isn't that the definition of irony?) at the end of this month and then we get to almost make it through session before having to think anymore about it (HA HA HA- you know I will be thinking about it almost every minute of every day).  The last week of Session (potentially the most stressful) we get to make our first "payment" on you- to Walgreens.  This little $2000+ (estimates go up to $5k) will cover ALLLL the medication I will be taking during the duration of the IVF cycle. 

I joke a lot about costs- but in reality we are very lucky.  We have enough money in savings, thanks to your Great Grandparents, that we can do one cycle without going into debt up to our eyeballs. After that- we will figure out something.

This is where we will go to actually "get" pregnant.  Shands- at the University of Florida.  What you don't know is this means you have no choice on where you go to school-  this is it.  UF.  You are a Gator.  Even before you were thought about you were a Gator though. 

See your Dad and I met in college, at THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA- and after a brief and disastrous relationship we parted ways and both ended up in Tallahassee.  Now, please don't tell him this, but I pretty much followed him there.  Yes, I realize that seems somewhat pyscho - but it wasn't.  I gave him his space, we were friends, he dated and married my friend, we weren't friends, he got divorced, we were friends, we dated and I finally convinced him- nearly 10 years after our first kiss- to marry me. 

Your Dad and I, as your Aunt Julie LOVES to say, are perfect on paper together.  On paper, God clearly made us for each other.  There is no one in this world that gets me like he does and more importantly, can put up with me.  For one reason, I have SICK humor-  for example.  This is the man is going to knock me up or get me preggers, or impregnate me.  However you want to say it. 

Dr. R. Stan Williams

I find that to over-the-top funny-  he does not.  It hurts his feelings I suspect.  But I believe you have to add levity to all situations- and this is a hell of a situation. 

Long story short-  we are scheduled.  The cocktail of medications will be ordered in less than 60 days and it will all begin. 

With much love- and humor-

Your Mom 

P.S.  I just reread this entry and realized that I was all over the board.  I guess that is what happens when you start and stop writing 5 times in one day. 

2012

Hard to believe that we are starting a new year already.  Its hard to believe that you aren't here yet too.  Christmas lost some of its joy this year- as Facebook was constantly filled with pictures of babies and children and pregnancies that seemed so easy. 

This week we make another trip to Shands in Gainesville.  Its not a hard one- just consent forms and a psych evaluation.  Also the final the results from the last set of blood work.  If all goes well we will get final approval to start the IVF process.  However we are waiting till after this year's legislative session so my stress levels are not through the roof.  Hopefully this gives me some time to lose some weight and get my back ready for a pregnancy.  Its out again and I can't imagine carrying you- or twins with it this way. 

The end of the year is always exciting for me- and this year its not.  I've been out of the office for 2 weeks and it was incredibly hard to make myself go this morning after my doctor appointment.  Not being pregnant has taken the joy out of so many things for me....and I'm worried that in tomorrow's psych appointment I will not "pass" because of this borderline depression I'm in.  But I believe that God's will will carry me through all of this and what is meant to be will be. 

With tears in my eyes,

Your hopeful mother

Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test (CCCT)

WOW!!!  Big words and yet another test that must be done before we can proceed with IVF.  Actually, its the last test that needs to be done before we get started (with the exception of our psych evaluation- uh oh).  This test is going to measure your Mom's ability to produce eggs.  Up until this point most of the testing and numbers have depended on your Dad- and I've pretty much been ignored.  Now its my turn.  Today I head to Shands (sans Dad since he has a fertilizer bill up that he needs to testify on) for blood work and other work to measure hormone levels.  Tomorrow I will start some mild hormones and stay on those for 5 days.  Then next week head back to Shands to see if my levels are acceptable.  No one seems to think it will be an issue- but I am terrified that it will be another problem that we have to deal with.  If my levels aren't correct- we will not be able to proceed with IVF and will be left with very few options to have you.  So I am praying and praying and praying that my hormones are normal.  Off to couple of meetings and then making that long drive to Shands for the CCCT. 

Love,

Mom